Deborah Rosasco, Life Coach For Positive Change
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Couples Communication-The Missing Link

10/26/2014

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Have you ever:

Been downright frustrated during a conversation with your spouse or long-time partner?

Tried to resolve a conflict and got nowhere or it escalated and ended up even worse?

Forgotten how to listen or felt you were not being heard?

If you answered yes to any of these questions don't feel alone.  When I coach with couples these are some of the most common complaints leaving people feeling hopeless, lonely, angry, sad or frustrated.  If we can't talk out our issues or have a rewarding conversation about our wants, needs, hopes and dreams then what of substance do we have left in our partnerships?

What happened; our relationships didn't start out that way?
First, I'd like to say that one of my concerns about society as a whole is that we may be losing the "fine art of discussion" and I'd like to encourage you to revive it within all of your conversations.  Due to media overload in our lives and in some cases social media we seem to have a propensity to label, categorize, define and judge or we have our minds all made up with no room for the opinions of others.  But I will leave this direction of dialogue for now so I can get straight to some concepts to practice within your relationships that will help you to communicate lovingly.  

So what is the Missing Link? 
The missing link within communication is the "listening" part.  I'll cover the talking part in another blog post but for now the focus is on listening.  Hearing is done with the ears but listening involves the heart and truly listening to what your partner has to say is one of the greatest gifts you can give to them.

What can you do to become a better listener, increase intimacy and resolve conflicts?

Here are 5 tips to practice
1)Remain Curious- My first suggestion and what I feel is the most important is to remain curious. No matter how long you have been together offer your partner a curious attitude about what they are really saying and don't assume you already know.

2)Dig Deeper- Ask yourself what feelings and needs may be underneath what they are saying and when in doubt ask.

3)Listen with your Heart- this may sound odd to you but if you can listen to your partner's requests, feelings and needs as you would a sweet innocent child and have the desire to meet the needs your interactions will begin to change.

4)Suspend Judgment- Even if you do not agree with what they are saying or what they believe in find ways to respect your differences. It's okay to disagree and again curiosity is key.

5)Be Attentive not Defensive- Another huge block to listening is defensiveness! Breathe into your heart, slow down, and listen fully before responding to a complaint, concern, or request. Check this out and you may see that many times your partner is not asking for something that is too big, impractical, difficult, or out of your control.  It's the little things that count and when you listen to what they really want and need you will begin to feel joy once you see the joy it brings to them. You will also see a shift in your partner's attitude towards you when they feel heard, it's a win-win!
        
As always, it is helpful to hear from you with comments, questions or concerns.

                                       Please comment below!
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                 Emotional Awareness and Anger Management, A Personal Story

8/4/2014

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                                             Notice Your Emotions Choose Your Response

          
A heated Discussion: One day while hiking with a close girlfriend out of curiosity I posed a question about a recent political/social problem in S. California.  The topic can be a touchy one since it involves the safety and quality of life for many people.  Soon after I initiated the conversation it became clear that my friend and I had opposing viewpoints on some aspects of the topic and due to our strong feelings it did not take long for emotions to rise.

Becoming aware of body signals:  As the conversation continued I began to notice tension in my lower abdomen which was the first clue that I was having strong feelings.  What was helpful about this awareness is that it gave me an advanced signal alerting me to slow down and choose my responses carefully and not to be controlled by a fight/flight/freeze reaction which happens automatically as a protection mechanism. In the
anger management coaching work that I do with clients this practice is referred to as learning to “respond instead of react.” As I became aware of the early warning within my body it gave me pause to think about the intent of the conversation.  Was it to prove a point?  Did I need my friend to agree with me?  Did I need to be right?

The ability to choose: As I took a step back and checked in with myself I answered “no” to these questions since my true intent was to learn about my friend’s opinions and clarify my own thoughts on the subject.  With the self-inquiry, asking myself helpful questions, I was able to stay on track with my intent and remain calm, focused, and in control of my responses.  It was good practice to notice, feel, and acknowledge emotions such as anger or threat and simply notice without reacting.  Had I let myself get out of control surely I would have felt disappointed later on.  Instead I was able to choose responses which made me feel good about our conversation and myself.  Becoming angry does not mean we have to react to the anger like we have in the past, in fact with some practice we can retrain ourselves to do it differently.
 
As I reflected on the conversation I thought about situations when it is most difficult to respond instead of react such as within our intimate partnerships.  How many of you are experiencing this type of challenge in your relationships?


Your comments are welcomed, let's start the conversation. When are you feeling most challenged to stay calm, what are your body signals that tell you to slow down and choose responses carefully?


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    Life Coach, Deborah Rosasco has been coaching couples and individuals since 2003. One area of expertise is assisting clients with emotional awareness, the ability to hone in on body signals and self-talk before responding to emotional conversations or situations. 

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